[Music]
- Hah.
[Knocking]
- Spencer, would you get that?
- It's open.
Shishah! Ooongyah!
Ooongyah! Swishah!
- What are you doing?
- Fencing with my robot.
- You beating him?
- Not yet.
But he's scared.
[Robot sounds]
Wanna see me take him down?
- Nah, I'm gonna go swallow
some of your food.
- Hah. Hah. Hah.
- Hah.
- Hey, Freddie wants
us upstairs
so he can check the lighting
before the show.
- Before I can even think
about icarly,
what is this slop?
- That slop is veggie pudding.
My cousins are coming
this weekend,
so I have to make stuff
they can eat.
- The dorfmans are coming here?
This weekend?
- Yes.
I've told you three times.
- Awww.
- What, you hate your cousins?
- I didn't say I hate them,
but, yes.
- Well, what's wrong with them?
Besides their last name
being Dorfman?
- And they're just all dorky
and goofy and weird
and have allergies
and sing songs.
- And they stop by here
every year when they take
their dumb family road trip
to the Fresno raisin parade.
- How come I've never met them?
- 'Cause I like you.
- Freddie: Let's go!
- Coming.
"Icarly" time.
- Aha.
What makes you waifs think
you can get past
Spencer the fencer?
Wait-- don't.
Have a good show.
- In five, four, three, two--
* I know you see somehow *
* the world will change for me *
* and be so wonderful *
* live life, breathe air *
* I know somehow *
* we're gonna get there *
* and feel so wonderful *
* it's all for real *
* I'm telling you *
* just how I feel *
* so wake up *
* the members of my nation *
* it's your time to be *
* there's no chance *
* unless you take one *
* and the time to see *
* the brighter side *
* of every situation *
* some things are meant to be *
* so gimme your best *
* and leave the rest to me *
* leave it all to me *
* just leave it all to me *
[music]
- Okay, and now
for another first on "icarly."
Sam, you got a mouthful
of watermelon seeds?
- Uh-huh.
- Watch this, people. Go.
[Cheering]
She spits. She scores.
- Till next time.
Keep checking us out
right here at icarly.Com.
- Not isnarly.
- Isnarly is just a web site
of a snarling dog.
- Not so good.
- See you.
- Bye.
- And we're out.
- Whoo.
Okay people, let's go celebrate.
- Whoa, you're not going out.
- Why not?
- 'Cause you only have
a week left to read your book
for school, and you haven't even
started yet.
- Sam? Read a book?
- I can read a book.
- Name three books you've read.
- "Boogie bear,"
"boogie bear 2,"
and "boogie bear 3:
The return of boogie bear."
- Oh, my god, Sam,
you've never read a real book?
- I've been busy.
- She couldn't read a book
if she tried.
- Says you.
- Wanna bet?
- No.
- Sure.
- Oh.
- I'll bet you I can read
"the penny treasure"
by the end of the week.
- Don't bet.
- It's a bet.
- And they bet.
- And shall we bet the yoozh?
- Don't bet the yoozh.
- The yoozh it is.
- They bet the yoozh.
If we go, you promise
you'll start reading
as soon as you get home?
- Yes, mother.
- You coming?
- Sure, where?
- Glitter gloss?
- Ah.
- What's glitter gloss?
- It's the most boring,
girliest store ever.
Well, next to build-a-bra.
- Oh, let's go there too.
- Yeah.
I hear they got
new glow-in-the-dark straps.
- And titanium hooks.
- Ah.
- You coming or what?
- No.
- Good.
- Later.
- Man, I cannot keep
hanging out with girls
all the time.
- You wanna come hang with me
at the fencing studio?
- Is it fun?
Like, what goes on?
- Just a bunch of guys
with swords,
swinging them around
and fighting,
your basic dude fun.
No gloss.
- No bras?
- Just bros.
- Let's go.
- All right.
[Music]
[Whistle blows]
- Good work.
Nice lunging.
Let's all take a break.
- Well, what'd you think?
- It's pretty cool.
Can I try?
- You think it'd be okay
with your mom?
- No.
- Let's do it.
Okay, now, the goal
is to land a touch
on your opponent like this.
- Got it.
- En guarde.
- Oh, gosh.
[Cheering]
Like that?
- Yeah.
This is your first time fencing?
- Uh-huh.
- Wow.
And you're already better
than me.
Jerk.
- What?
- Kidding,
you sensitive little beast.
C'mon, let's go some more.
- En guarde.
- Oh, gosh.
- Hey, Spencer,
you finally find someone
you can beat?
- What's it to you, toder?
- Who's he?
- Toder.
Just a rotten teenager
who thinks he's all bad
'cause he's good at fencing.
- How many times
have you and me fenced?
- Oh, I don't know, like 30?
- And how many times
have you lost?
- I don't know, like 30.
Yeah, well, I'd like to see you
beat my man Freddie here.
- Him?
That kid couldn't even beat
my boys Tripp and cleeshay.
- Yeah, he couldn't even
beat us.
- I got this.
- Talk's cheap, toder.
- Spencer.
- Is this a challenge?
Cleeshay, did he just
challenge me?
- I think he just did.
- Friday night, 8:00.
Bring your sabre.
Come on, guys,
let's go get some French toast.
- Dude, why'd you do that?
I don't know how to fence.
- Yeah, but I hate
that Doug toder.
[Music]
- Hyah!
- Ooongyah!
- Swishah!
- Nyehhh!
- Hey, Spencer. You guys.
- One second.
- Yah!
- Yeah!
- You genius.
[Knock on door]
Come in.
- That's a foul.
- So is your social life.
What's up, Carly girl?
- I'm making dinner.
- Oh, mama came
at the right time.
So what you got for me to taste?
- You'd hate everything.
This is food for my cousins.
- Ah, the dorfmans.
- You know how hard it is
making dinner for six
without meat, lactose, sugar,
sodium, fat, or gluten?
- How hard?
- Quite.
And don't take this
the wrong way,
but why are you here?
- Because I need some place
quiet to get cracking
on this book.
- Uhh.
How come you can't read
at your house?
- Ah, 'cause my mom
keeps screaming at the cat
to get a job.
Yeah, I don't know.
- Hey, Carly, Freddie and I
are gonna head over
to the fencing studio.
- No, you have to stay
and help me get ready
for the dorfmans.
- I'll be back in time to help.
- He's got to get me ready
to take on Doug toder.
- But you have to help me
set the table to make sure--
- uh, sorry, can't hear you.
You're breaking up.
- We're not talking
on cell phones.
- Bye.
- Later kiddo.
[Music]
- Boom. You're it.
- Wow, man. You are good.
You got me like 20 times
in a row.
- Twenty-two,
but who's counting?
I am.
- All right, kid.
Don't get cocky yet.
You're good,
but you're not Doug toder good.
- Can toder do this?
- Yes.
- Better practice some more.
- En guarde.
Okay
- come check out this clip
some kid sent in to "icarly."
This is insane.
- You wanna know
what's insaner?
The dorfmans are gonna be here
any second,
and Spencer's not back yet.
- Did you try calling him?
- No, Sam.
I'm just keeping my cell phone
warm here between my cheek
and my shoulder.
He's not answering.
- Well, maybe something
important came up.
- Stop. Seriously. Okay.
- If he was doing
something important,
then why didn't he just call me
and--the dorfmans.
Ew.
- I'll be upstairs reading.
- No.
Stay here
and have dinner with us.
- You said
they're a bunch of dorks--
- Sam.
- Okay.
- Yay.
- I'm not eating
any of that jank food you made.
- Hello, Carly.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- This is my friend Sam.
Sam, this is my uncle Barry,
my aunt Tess, and my cousins,
ozlottis and faye.
- What's that thing
around his neck?
- Oh, ozlottis has a scab
on his chin.
- The cone keeps him
from picking at it.
- I'm out.
- Be right back.
You said you'd have dinner
with us.
- Yes. And then I met them.
- Come on,
Spencer's not back yet,
and I don't think I can make it
through an evening alone
with the dorfmans.
- Oh, how bad can it be?
* row, row, row your boat *
* gently down the stream *
* merrily, merrily *
* life is but a dream *
* merrily down the stream *
* row, row, row your boat *
- duck. Duck. Duck.
Duck, goose--
- Carly, now you have
to chase faye.
- Okay.
Come here, faye.
- Hi.
- Oh, this--
- sorry, I'm late.
- Hello, Spencer.
- Me too.
- Spencer.
- Hi.
- We missed you at dinner.
- Listen, I feel really bad
about being late,
but I was helping
Carly's friend, Freddie,
with his fencing.
But I'm here now.
- Yeah, not good enough.
- Whoa, the dorfmans
gotta hit the road.
- Yes, we have a long drive
to Fresno.
- Right, for the raisin parade.
- We haven't missed
the raisin parade in 12 years.
- Ozlottis has a scab
on his chin.
- Okay. Come on, family.
- Bye, Spencer.
- Bye.
- Bye, Carly. Bye.
We'll see you next year.
- All right. Hey.
It's nature's fruit.
You're mad at me.
- Yep.
- Look, I'm sorry,
but the time just got away
from me.
- Well, I wish the time
had gotten away from me, but no.
I got to spend
the last two hours
on planet Dorfman.
- You have every right
to be mad.
- Clearly.
- Freddie's got to fence
this really mean kid
named Doug toder.
- I don't wanna hear
about Doug toder.
- But--
- eh.
- But--
- eh--
- Carly--
- I said, "eh."
Your fencing-with-Freddie days
are over.
- But--
- no more fencing with Freddie.
- Okay.
And since I made you suffer
through--
- I did suffer.
- I'll help you
clean up the kitchen.
- No.
You'll go in there
and you'll clean up the kitchen
yourself.
- Okay.
- Sam, you can
come back downstairs now.
The dorfmans left so--
- shh.
- You're actually reading
your book?
- Sure am.
- I'm impressed.
Who's the dude?
- David.
I hired him
to read the book to me.
- Then why is he rubbing
your feet?
- 'Cause he was late.
So I started
reading the book myself
and it is fantastic.
These things are great.
It's like TV in your head.
- Well, I'm happy
you like reading
but I still don't get
why David's rubbing your feet.
- I already paid the kid.
I had to make him do something.
- Please call my mother.
- Harder.
[Music]
- Well, I guess this is it,
senor sabre.
I'll never thrust you again.
[Knocking]
It's open.
- What's up, Spence?
- Nothin'.
- Well, come on.
I just had a nap,
drank two cans of peppy cola,
and I'm ready for action.
- I can't.
- Why not?
- Carly got mad at me
for missing dinner
with the dorfmans
and now, I'm not allowed
to fence anymore.
- So you're just gonna let
your little sister
tell you what to do?
- Oh, come on.
Don't go getting--
what was that?
- I sliced your banana.
What are you gonna do
about it, huh?
- I'll show you
what I'm gonna do.
En guarde.
Hyah.
- Hyah!
- Ooongyah!
- Swishah!
- Nyehhh!
- Hyah.
- Give me it.
You promised me no more fencing.
- He sliced my banana.
- Anyway, you can't stop us
from fencing.
- Oh, can't I?
- Where is she going?
- I don't know.
- Either of you guys
got any lotion?
- Sorry, buddy.
- Nope.
Who's that?
- No idea.
- He what?
- My mom.
- Oh my god.
- How dare you teach Freddie
something as dangerous
as fencing?
- Mom, you don't know anything
about fencing.
It's not dangerous.
- I know more about fencing
than you think.
You're coming home with me
right now
and having a tick bath.
- I don't have ticks.
- 'Cause the tick baths
are working, aren't they?
[Laughs]
- Tick bath.
- I should give you one.
[Music]
- Hey, Sam.
We found a tub of old mayonnaise
in the dumpster
by the cafeteria.
- We're gonna fill
these balloons with it
and throw it at Ms. Briggs' car.
- Come on.
- Shh. Reading.
- Make sure
you get her windshield.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Freddie.
I'm sorry about the tick bath.
I was just really mad at Spencer
so I--
- I'm not upset
about the tick bath.
I get those every other week.
It's just--
well, I do icarly
with you and Sam all the time,
and I love it.
But it was just kinda cool
hangin' out with a guy,
you know?
- Now you hate me.
- Carly, come on.
You're like my best friend.
- Your best friend
that you hate.
- I'm not mad. I promise.
Maybe we'll go
get a smoothie later, okay?
- Okay.
- Hey, Sam.
Does your mom drive
a rusty, old pick-up truck?
- Yeah.
- It's on fire.
- Shh. Reading.
[Music]
- Absolutely not.
- But if I hadn't told you,
you never would've even known.
- I will not allow Freddie
to fence.
- But it's not dangerous.
- Ha.
- Come on.
Freddie needs some guy time.
And he and Spencer
get along really great,
so I think
that you should let him--
- what's goin' on?
- Nothing.
Go home and check yourself
for ticks.
- I'm trying to talk your mom
into letting you fence.
- No.
- Why not?
- I'm really good at it.
- Don't you ever say
that again.
We're going home right now.
- No.
- Fredward Benson.
- Give me one good reason
why I shouldn't be allowed
to fence.
- The fencin' bensons.
- The fencin' bensons?
- Sit down, Freddie.
I never wanted you to know.
- What?
- Your great grandfather,
long before you were born,
he led a troop
called the fencin' bensons.
They performed
with the tingling brothers
circus.
It was him, his brother,
and their seven cousins,
they were gifted fencers,
wildly popular.
- The tingling brothers?
- Yes.
Your great grandfather
was a master at fencing.
But he became obsessed with it.
He forced my father to fence.
And later, my father made me.
Fencing's in our blood, Freddie.
And I never wanted you
to become obsessed
like our ancestors.
- Ah, come on.
- It's true.
- Right.
You know, my great grandfather
was a magic penguin.
His name was pingo.
- Mom, not letting me fence
is bad enough.
I can't believe you'd make up
such an insane lie.
- I will not stand here
and be called a liar
by my own son,
or you, sassy pants.
- Mom, you let me fence
against Doug toder tonight
or else--
- or else what?
- I'll never make
another puzzle with you again.
- Freddie.
- I mean it, mom.
[Music]
- What's in that first aid kit,
an ambulance?
- Just everything I need
in case Freddie gets hurt.
- He'll be fine.
- You better hope so, missy.
- Well.
[Whistling]
- You boys ready?
- Yes, sir.
- You're going down, fredward.
- Ready.
[Applause]
Fence.
- Point, Benson.
- All right. Bravo.
All right, Fredo.
- Brilliant, Freddie.
- Kick his butt, Freddie.
- I can't believe it.
- Yeah?
Well, believe it, punk.
- Ready. Fence.
- Yeah.
- Point, Benson.
[Applause]
- Insanity.
- Way to poke his chest,
Freddie.
- Poke him again.
- One more point Benson wins.
- What are you doing, toder?
- You're losin' it, man.
- I know what I'm doing.
- Ready. Fence.
- Yeah.
[Whistling]
- What? Foul. Come on.
- Out of my way.
You want a piece of me, toder?
[Music]
Hyah!
- Hey, help me.
Somebody get her.
- Yeah? Good luck.
- Mom. Mom.
- Let's go.
- Who's the best now, toder?
[Applause]
- Go get him, mom. All right.
[Music]
All right.
- So that's him?
- Yeah.
That's my great granddad.
- I always had a feeling
you came from circus people.
- Come on.
Let's go rehearse for icarly.
- Let's do it.
- Wait, wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Not so fast there, circus boy.
Pay up.
- Pay what up?
- I won the bet.
I read the "penny treasure"
cover to cover.
- Yay. Good for Sam.
Let's go rehearse.
- Wait.
- I don't believe you.
- Quiz me.
- Okay.
Who goes into the cave
and what does he find?
- Jarvis goes into the cave
and finds the key
to tranquility,
four feet from Gideon's grave.
Pay up.
We bet the yoozh.
Let's do it, boy.
- Give me it.
- I'll get the mop.
[Music]
Okay.
Do you think you've seen
everything new there is to see
at icarly?
- Is that what you think?
- Well.
[Make sounds]
You haven't.
- You ain't.
- Nope.
- You can see new videos.
- New picks.
- New blogs.
- New games.
- New lunch meats.
- There are no lunch meats
at icarly.Com.
- Can we fix that?
- Shh.
The point is you can see
tons of new stuff.
- Stuff you've never seen
before.
- All at icarly.Com.
- Icarly.Com.
- You think we've said
icarly.Com enough?
- Yeah. Wait, no.
[Oven dings]
> Hmmm.